On the Flaws I Have No Intention of Amending
On the surface, I like to think of myself as a person of commitment. I’m very careful about what and who (whom?) I spend my time on. I don’t like to waste it on things I don’t really give a shit about or people I’m not really into. Maybe this is snobbish. But, on the other side of that, I don’t half-ass things. I am fiercely loyal.
I am unapologetic in my disliking of things. This is perhaps what I should have opened with. As my last post (fumblingly) explains, it is something I struggle with. I go back in forth with my friends who have sunnier dispositions. I bitch at myself in my mind for being a bitch. I seek validation from my girlfriends. “Right? But I’m right, right? She/he/it really was terrible, right? Like, it’s not just me?”
I am prone to choosing things that are unconventional, irrational, and sometimes seemingly out of reach. This is a trend in my behavior that has more than likely always existed, but something that seems to be underscoring itself recently. When I wonder at the uncertainty of my life, I have to remind myself that it is that way because I chose it. I hand picked the precariousness of it all. I stacked my own blocks in such a way that they could, at any moment, topple and crush me.
I am also prone to rephrasing and using the same metaphor multiple times in succession.
I am great at placing myself in a shared space and pointedly sitting in silence. Alternatively, I have a whole arsenal of barbed, spiteful remarks. I am bad at simply saying, “I am hurt.”